Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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