no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
