Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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