Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
