am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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