dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
farters have to be the big spoon...
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
