My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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