The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My life is pants optional.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
