please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize