yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I need to calm my uterus...
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