drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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