I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
