I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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