Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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