his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
