Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
