i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
