My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
