My first STD was from a foam party
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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