I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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