Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
