we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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