It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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