my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
