i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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