I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize