dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
We need a shit load of segways right now
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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