I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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