I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
