nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
