I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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