he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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