you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize