The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
