She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize
