There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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