I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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