Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
