So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
