Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
