The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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