Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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