I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
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