in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
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