How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
