alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
