There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
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