One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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