goodnight i made you a song goodbye
sarcasm needs its own font
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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