I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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