Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
