I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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