Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I did not marry a roomba.
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