Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
